Saturday, November 29, 2014

How frustrations can set you free



Is frustration really a part of life?

In my 50+ years on earth, I've been into a lot of experiences where I cried, became angry because of frustration. The choices we made or things we did sometimes lead us to feel frustrated. The things that we wanted to do but in one way or another is not being addressed or fulfilled can leave us with sentiments and frustrations.

How are we affected by it?

It can make a huge impact on us, it can either make or break a person. It can also be a catalyst to success or failure. It can drive a person to face fear and do what has to be done to resolve the issue. And when this happens, whatever the answer maybe, the important thing is the person did try to do something.

Work is important to me so every now and then even if I am not that physically fit to work, I tried my best to be present to avoid conflict.

Two days ago, that was what I exactly did. I decided to go to work even if I wasn't feeling very well due to lack of sleep the night before because I was on the verge of getting a flu. Lately, I wasn't really in my best self. I was always feeling tired, having some pain in some parts of my body. A part of aging process? Maybe.

My physical body was complaining but my mind won over that, so I resolved to ignore the matter. When I arrived at work, I was asked by a colleague if I can work her shift because she was not feeling well too. She asked it If I am willing to do that.

Is the word NO hard to say?

For me it is. I felt I am letting the person down when I say no to a request or a favor.  I know nobody can please everyone but maybe this is the case for me. I just want to please everyone. The shift was supposed to be helping as much as possible 2 to 3 different departments or depending which department is busy.

And so I went to do the job, was instructed by a colleague to help a client whom I was not so familiar with. And since I was not feeling really well, I thought I will not be able to do my job very well. So I told my colleague I was sorry I can't perform the task. I felt resentment and also realized one thing. I should have not said "Yes".

When one feels resentment and frustration... 

My first reaction was to asked my colleague if I can just do my shift and she does hers. I said to her, "I am not really feeling very well I will not be able to do your shift". She told me " So what do you want?, Will you do that or not? Since this will be the first time I am doing that shift I really don't know what to do and you have been doing it so often so you know what to do". And I wish I can tell her what I want to say too, but I was timid to do it.

What I observed from their culture which I admired very much is that they are not afraid to speak what's in their mind. They are very frank. She probably said only what she wanted to say without intending to hurt me. 

But it made me so frustrated that it triggered pain in my body and the lack of courage to tell her what I wanted to say and how I feel made my condition worst. I wanted to be like her, saying frankly the things I want to say. I wanted to ask her "How will you know when you will not try to do the shift?" I wanted to tell her, "it's not hard because it's just the same thing that you do every time you work". But instead I kept it to myself. 

My frustration turned into anger, I was angry at myself.  When she told me I was doing the shift more often than she does that it will be her first time and that she doesn't know what to do, I thought then  that she probably doesn't like to do the shift because of that and not because she is not feeling well.  Or maybe I am wrong and should give it the benefit of the doubt. 

It was very frustrating. It even made me think, what if it was not me whom she had to ask? What if it was another colleague other than someone like me who dare not to say "No"?. Will she have the guts to ask? Maybe or maybe not. I knew she just tried asking me otherwise she will not know the answer. And she got the answer she was hoping to get.

Should we be afraid to voice out our feelings? 

The frustrations of not saying what I wanted to say and how I feel brought tears in my eyes and this was seen by another colleague who was very sympathizing and told me " We can't do anything about it, if you are sick then you are and can't work" To make the story short, I decided to go home...

My husband knew right away that there was something wrong that happened at work. But I don't want to talk about it. I only said I was sick and that was it. Even if he tried so hard to convince me to talk, I kept everything to myself, which affected me for two days leaving me physically, emotionally and mentally drained.

I just wanted to be alone avoiding my husband who was very worried about me. I hated myself, the situation, my decisions, and cried a lot.  I talked to my sister in the US via Skype and my cries were tears of someone who's not happy at all with her life, someone who's feelings were trapped out of her inability to say it freely. I was feeling very very frustrated.

I was very unhappy, the lack of resources to make a choice hurts, because I can not live as I wanted my life to be. I was feeling so helpless, hopeless and weak because I can't say how I feel and do what I really want to do. All of these struggles left me with physical and emotional pain, most of all regrets.

I needed to do something....

And so I decided I have to do something, so I sent an email to my superior telling him if I can make an appointment with him to talk and he answered affirmatively.

I am ready to talk. I resolved to talk about what I think, how I feel and  what I want to do with regards to my work. I want to ask him if he can help me move forward from where I am right now. If it means studying again or attending seminars or trainings I am more than willing to do these things just to get ahead and feel better.

I want to talk about how I can help and contribute to the quality of care of the clients. I want to ask his help about the business I started that maybe through that I will be able to be more of value to them, but most importantly to feel more valuable that I will be able to contribute more to the quantity and quality of care our clients deserve.

From there, we will see what will happen...

It is always better to expect good things to happen...

I am hoping he can help me and understand my sentiments and frustrations...

If not... then at least I was able to adapt what I just read from the new book by Brendon Burchard "The Motivation Manifesto" which is written on the topic " On Freedom" which says :

Personal Freedom (which should be everyone's goal) - means " courageously speaking our thoughts, feelings and ambitions with those around us without concern about acceptance"
(this is just one of the many beautiful meanings of Personal Freedom)
With that, I rest my belief that whatever transpires between my superior and I, I trust that our loving God will help and guide me. I lift and offer everything to HIM.